Monday, December 22, 2014
Posted by AJH at 10:09:00 AM
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
We seem to go through seasons, and our current season is one of trial. The enemy is very real and he is trying to get us to step away from God and lean on ourselves...that doesn't work so well. When it gets to that point, the point where we buy satan's story, that is when things crumble around us. It is no secret that Handsome and I pretty much do things alone. There are not many people that have decided to stick by us...which is fine, but that also means that Handsome and I are everything to each other. Sure, I am blessed to have my mom and dad that support....but they are not here. I chat with mom when I can, but I also don't want to dump everything in her lap every time we talk! So Jason and I tend to hold our 'stuff' in until no more can fit and then we 'dump' it on the other and then the other feels like we are not good enough...right now we are battling the school (again) on behalf of what is best for Sunshine. Along with the fact that our 7 year old is back in diapers full time, has a compulsion to eat anything he THINKS is consumable...and doctors just don't have much advise on how to handle his case other than "you are doing exactly what he needs, good job mom and dad" (which by the way, isn't much comfort). There is no book on "how to handle your drug baby with ODD, bi-polar, encephalopathy, ect..ect..ect.." So we wing it. But God doesn't promise life to be easy. Then you look at Princess, she is about to turn 8, and she is becoming such a beautiful soul. When she is thinking about her actions she thinks of others...she cares for babies...she offers to get drinks and food for Mama and Daddy...she LOVES her brothers and sisters and does a fantastic job of being their big sister. But the effects of the stress in caring for special needs children gets to her, she gets sad...she cries...she feels like she is second best because the others require so much attention and because she doesn't she doesn't always get as much as she should. She is definitely my right hand around here, and I try very hard to not take her for granted. She is AMAZING! Next we look at Cupcake, and well much like her older sister she doesn't have any major needs....but she does like her snuggles, and she needs physical touch more than any kid I have ever known...and some days Mama just cannot sit and snuggle. Some days Mama just doesn't have that spare moment because of the needs around the daycare/house/other kids....and then we act up. But there are nights like last night, this precious Cupcake, this girl who grew inside of me...she needed those snuggles so bad she stayed up until the late night hours waiting to snuggle in my bed, she looked for ways to help so we could get there more quickly, she put out a new potty pad for the dogs, she cleared the dishes from the table, she brought me my water when I didn't have it....until she passed out in her daddy's arms because she just couldn't wait any longer. HEARTBREAKING! But there are medical bills that require paperwork, and paperwork for the school (that we already filled out but here are some of the issues preciously mentioned), seriously...I am only one person. We also have our LoveBug...who is having MANY struggles right now. She started pre-school this fall, just a couple weeks after turning three. She goes two mornings a week to receive her therapy's...but she doesn't like it, and it is turning her into a monster. She comes home exhausted from the events of the morning (and tear stained cheeks and dried crying boogers under her nose) all she has left in her is too eat and sleep pretty much the rest of the day. But she isn't the happy little girl she once was, she is cranky, crabby, and mean. She also has decided that she doesn't like to wear diapers any more (though she is no where close to potty training) and she takes them off and leaves messes for Mama and Daddy to clean up...the liquid ones aren't too terrible, but when she decides we need drawings on her crib and walls and the only color option she has is BROWN the smell alone overwhelms me...let alone the clean up.
On top of our 4 kiddos we have two foster littles that have been with us since November that are at the point in the case that something needs to happen for them. They need permanency...they need to start working on their future rather than being kept in limbo. The two year old Teddy Bear is confused and acting out..often, but she can also charm the pants off of you, she is just confused. Her 1 year old brother follows her lead...and we have many melt downs. But they continue to have visits with bio mom every Friday where they also see their 4 older siblings. They do not understand....but they want to know what their future holds! I am trying to brace myself for when they leave...I love them like my own, as I do with all foster kids in my home. I invest in them like my own...and I would love for them to become my own...but we are still trying for reunification. Which breaks my heart! The odds of that happening are slim, but in the event that doesn't happen the state will rip them away from the place they feel safe, the place they learned what love and stability was all about, the place where they got to be kids rather than having to learn life skills over survival...and they will be moved out of state to be with some distant (older) relatives that they have never met. How long will it take the kids to recover and trust/love again? Will that be able to? I don't know...but I am trying to prepare myself for their departure. Prepare myself for the ache my children will have when these two kiddos leave our home. It will be like loosing some of our family.
Please know this is not a complaint about my life...we are living the life that God intends us to live...He just doesn't promise it is going to be easy.
But back to doing it alone, in this world there are very few people that understand why Handsome and I have chosen a life that clearly requires much work, little rest, and a LOT of hurt. Do you know that I work because I am trying to pay for our adoptions? One of our three adoptions were supposed to have been paid for, but when we made a decision to follow God in a direction He was leading us the family that had raised all of the money for that adoption decided we didn't deserve it. Okay God, we will trust you! Did you know that for LoveBug's adoption there was a surprise $11,000 to get her out of the hospital? Okay God, we will trust You! Did you know that if we wouldn't have adopted our children I could be that stay at home Mom? that I dream of being? Except then what would be the purpose of being a stay at home mom??? We have lost many things by choosing to follow the path that God has paved for us, we have lost Handsome's family, we have lost adoption funding, we have lost most of our friends, we have lost churches (seriously!?!?), we have lost sleep, we have lost babysitters, we have lost date nights, we have lost much....God never promised it would be easy....
But here is what we have gained: a relationship between Handsome and myself that is truly rock solid-it may not always be pretty, and it may not always be lovey dovey-but rock solid there until death do us part! We have gained a child like faith in God, because honestly, there are days that I just don't know how it is going to work out....but God does! We have gained 3 beautiful adopted children and one amazing biological child, all of whom are exactly the children that are supposed to be in our family, in our home, and in our hearts! We have gained so much in choosing to follow God no matter what the cost...
So I am not complaining, I am not asking for pitty...or money...or anything else. We go through seasons, and ours is a season of trials right now. From our experience trials are usually testing, and if we don't pay attention to the test at hand and learn the lesson that God is trying to teach He will surely present it to us again and again until we get it. We are trying to get used to handling this craziness by ourselves...with Him.
Posted by AJH at 9:15:00 AM
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Posted by AJH at 5:28:00 PM