3 years...

About this time 3 years ago we got a fun phone call from Family to Family Adoptions Inc in Texas.....they had news for us...a baby girl due September 6....We already had Princess (4), Sunshine (4) and Cupcake (4.5 months) and we were going to be a growing family!!!

 I don't remember the exact date they called...but the call itself...I will never forget!

My mind instantly went to this....having my arms full and my heart overflowing!

 She was tiny and beautiful...

And she was ours...well not until the end of August was she born...and then in March we finalized her adoption....but how she has changed this family for good!  We laugh more because of her...we smile more because of her....we fight more (as in fight for each other and the needs of our kids/family)...we are stronger because of her...we face the day differently because of her....she is our LoveBug...and this is the song I have chosen for her:

So Far To Find You

by Casting Crowns

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone

We were waiting and praying 

And longing to bring you home

And then we saw your face

In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts

We took a step of faith

And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed

Just to hold your hand

You will never be alone again

I've come so far to find you

So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful

You were hiding your heart away

But I was trying so hard to show you

'Cause there were no words that I could say

If you could see my heart

You would know that all I want to do

Is care for you

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Here in your eyes I see

Reflections of myself

How I"m the child that's really running

But I can hear a voice that's whispering my name

Saying come to me, don't run from me

I'm all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

(I have come so far)

Will you take my love and give up the fight

(I have come so far)

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

From Heaven's throne

Down to a rugged cross I came

It was My love for you that brought Me all the way

So far to find you

So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone

~~~~

It is an amazing song...Our LoveBug was 6 lbs 1 oz when she was born addicted to crack cocaine.  She was tiny and frail, she needed someone who could fight for her.  It was a difficult road.  She was so stiff should wouldn't latch on to nurse (I was already nursing my 5 month old) she cried for hours on end.  While I was pumping/attending to Cupcake my Handsome would hold this little tiny baby in the wee hours of the night/morning and sing to her, quote scripture to her and hold her tight/close skin to skin.  There were 5 months of withdrawals.  She stayed in preemie diapers until she was 3 months and only because of quantity of fluids we then put her into Newborn diapers which leaked almost as bad because her tiny little legs were too small for the diaper to fit tightly around.  She was in Newborn diapers until she was 8 months old.  She couldn't grow...she cried...we cried...she doctored.  But there was a miracle in this child....she had a desire to live....a will to fight...far greater than anyone could ever imagine.  She also had an amazing smile and an awesome giggle! This girl came to us broken...I mean her body was in tact and every finger and toe was in place...but inside she was struggling with an addiction she didn't choose.  We thought we were there for her, but let me tell you something...she is here for us!  This girl is still so cute, funny, smilie, full of laughter and just adorable!

To say that this girl has my heart...an understatement.  She was meant to be in this family...she was meant to be my daughter...I was meant to be her Mama!

Growth

What would you think if you saw a person from high school that was exactly the same as the day you met them?  They looked the same, weighed the same, were wearing the same clothes, driving the same car, using the same slang,  they were doing the exact some job...living in the exact same home...partaking in the same hobbies....I am telling you NOTHING had changed about this person.  It is understandable that some are closer to this time frame of life than others....buy my mind instantly thinks of Ross, Rachael, Monica, Chandler, Pheobee, and Joey.  Can you imagine if those 6 iconic characters were to just stay in 1995 mind set until 2050?  They would be thought of is pretty silly.  

Can you imagine your 12 year old self being married for 20+ years, having grown children and grandchild, a job, a house and all of the responsibilities that come with those things...yet only be able to function with what knowledge/capabilities you had when you were 12?

 Growth is natural, from the minute we are conceived we grow.  Each second that passes is one we will never get back.  

 Our parents, aunts & uncles, teachers, pastors and others around us work at keeping us healthy and equipping us with the needed 'tools' to get from the very beginning of our lives through all the way to the end.

 There comes a time in our lives where we have to choose to take the reigns of our own 'growth' and continue down that path.   Depending on what exactly we are talking about makes a difference at what stage of our life we take over.  One wouldn't really expect a parent to brush their teeth if they were 18, but at the same time a parent really shouldn't be physically dressing a 16 year old either.  (I know in some circumstances this point isn't valid.)  I find it interesting that in many ways a child from the point of mobilization (crawling, walking, talking) is trying to become independent from their parents. 

~ I frequently hear "I big, I do it" from my 3 year old.  ~  

 But yet as adults, whether married or not, schooled or not, working or not we are looking for ways to blame our lack of growth in areas on others.  Maybe it is someone that doesn't 'own' their responsibilities at work, or someone else that hates life to the point they need to take others around them down so they don't feel so badly about themselves.  Maybe it is the fresh out of college employee that feels angry because s/he isn't making as much as the veteran employee that has been there for 39 years.  I do not completely understand why as humans we have this self destruct button, but it is damaging.  It breaks relationships, it brings depression, it really makes chaos in all areas of life.

I have some things that I am not proud of, some of my biggest 'self destruct' tenancies come from a variety of things in my life...but ultimately it is my choice if I will allow them to swallow what could be happiness and health, laughter and progress.

*I like food, knowing that there are certain things that my body doesn't handle well...I still eat them because they taste good.  Which causes medical issues, mood swings, and just a crumby feeling after eating the 'bad' foods....hence why I am constantly on a quest for a healthier life.  in 2010 I tackled that trouble and was able to have victory...enter Cupcake and the pregnancy that came with her...and at the end I was blessed with a healthy baby girl....but my body was back (literally) in the exact place it started...maybe a few more stretch marks.  I cannot blame anyone other than myself for defeat in this area....I CAN try, but the truth is that it is MY FAULT that I am where I am.  

Anyway, I guess this is a rambling of my mind....I read something today that just sparked my mental state into needing to plead with mankind to take responsibility.  I believe 100% that we all have a purpose on this life and that purpose IS NOT to cause brokenness and sorrow.  

Do something positive today...negative is naturally going to come our way.  What are we going to do with it???  Be someone positive today....you just never know who you might touch!

Music gets to me...

As I have stated on more than one occasion, music can really get me thinking.  I can hear a song and it can completely change my thought process for the moment or it can change my mood....music gets to me.

For example, on Sunday morning I had on Pan.dor.a and the song "Precious Memories" comes on...my mind is immediately taken back almost 12 years to my newlywed days when Handsome was providing pulpit supply for area churches when there was a need.  One of our little churches was between pastors and so for 4-5 months we would get in our old black Mercury and drive to this little town while listening to the Gospel Hour on a local country station...almost every week they would play Precious Memories and now every time I hear the song I can smell Curve cologne, see my Handsome in a suit and tie and almost feel the plush burgundy seats of the old car!!!  It is crazy!

But last night I had another song come up, "I Could Not Ask For More" by Ed.win...Mcc.ain.  Now I realize this song was written for a couple, but while I was hearing the words I couldn't help but think of my kids.

"Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

I could not ask for more than the love you give me 'Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more"

The entire song really makes me think of my children.  Knowing from the age of 13 the odds of me carrying a healthy pregnancy to term were slim to none, becoming a mother was one of two things I really ever wanted....getting married and being a mom!  When I met Handsome and told him that I probably could never give him children and he responded by telling me that we could just adopt!!!  I knew he was my man!  

"Smiling just to see the smile on your face"

-I do this often, there is nothing better than a dimple cheek, toothless smile of one of my kids!  I love how their personalities come through in their cheesy little grins!!!

"These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive"

-Seriously, what else is there in this world than loving your children?!?!?  Or at least for me...when I have my Handsome and my kiddos I am a happy lady.  Just the other night all 6 of the kids were playing Ring Around The Rosie and when they would All.Fall.Down they would laugh and laugh and laugh...get up and do it again.  Our Cupcake would tackle anyone that thought they could get away with not falling and then more giggles would happen.  It was fabulous!

..."These are the moments I'll remember all my life"

"Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need"

-The fastest way to bring my attitude around (other than music) is being able to have a little sweet time with one of my kids.  When I look into any of their eyes and connect with them on that level it really is an amazing form of contentment that comes over me!  I love my kids!  I love that God allowed me to be their mother!

"I could not ask for more than this time together, I could not ask for more than this time with you"

-I honestly have a hard time committing to anything that is going to take me away from my kids regularly!  When I first was invited to my bi-weekly Bible Study that was one of my biggest concerns...but I will be missing putting them to bed, feeding them supper, jammies, Bible story time....my Handsome had to remind me that 13 nights out of 14 I would still be doing those things and it was okay to be away from it.  But, "Right here in this moment is where I'm meant to be, here with you here with me!"

"Every prayer has been answered, every dream I have's come true"

-One honestly could not know how many prayers went up before my babies came home!!!  I prayed for children before I was married (though I wanted to wait until after marriage), my Handsome and I prayed for children almost immediately after marriage, and we asked many friends and family to pray with us knowing the battle we had ahead of us...and then the miscarriages...there was many prayers!!  But the prayers have been answered (even though I am still praying for another baby) and my dreams have been realized in the fact that I have 4 amazing children that are all mine...and two on loan for the moment!!! ;)

Anyway, I know this post is a little cheesy, who am I kidding...most of my posts are!?!?  But it is a glimpse of how my brain works when a song comes on.  Each and every line I dissect to get the deep down meaning of what is being said/sung!!!  This song just so happened to be singing from my heart about my kids!  

Have I mentioned that I love my kids???  "I could not as for more..."