3 years ago yesterday...

March 9th 2012, our love bug was just 6 months old...and we were able to go to court and legally adopt her.  There was never any question that we would be able to do that, but it is always a wonderful feeling to be able to not have to carry those papers around when traveling, when doctoring, or whatever proving you have the right to make decisions for this child that doesn't have your last name!!

 

Fast forward to yesterday...our precious LoveBug is growing and amazing.  She has some physical difficulties but her determination to accomplish life far overcomes them.  She has figured out a way where there didn't seem to be one!  So proud of her. 

 

I was raised in a home where special days are a big deal...you celebrate....period.  Well we have triple the number of children in our family than in my home where I grew up...and most of those children have more than one special day....SO, we do not celebrate as big as I would like for each occasion...but yesterday after work and supper we celebrated with ice cream, the traditional 'Happy Adoption Day' way to celebrate in our home.  Every year on March 9, March 30 and August 1 you can find us out for ice cream at some point in the day.  This is how we celebrate. 

 

Our LoveBug was having a good afternoon, so it was very fun to be able to celebrate her yesterday.  She talked (she isn't always able to) and carried on in her silly ways.  She brings so much joy and laughter into our home and heart.

 

This little girl, our Love Bug.  We did not know what we were saying 'yes' to when we received the phone call about a little baby girl who needed an adoptive home.  This little baby girl whom we knew was being born addicted to cocaine.  We had no idea what her life was going to look like or what our role as parents would fully be for her.  While there have been trials, there have been struggles (and there are many more to come)...she can make me smile on the darkest of days.  She can make you laugh when you want to cry.  She has a silly way about her and she enjoys having people laugh.  Sometimes I wonder if other peoples laughter is her medicine that helps take her pain away. 

 

I am so thankful to God that He chose us to be her forever family.  He decided we were who she needed for life.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to parent her.

 

Happy Adoption Day Love Bug!!

 

 

As far as the East is from the West....

Last night my Princess was so excited to share with Handsome and myself after family Bible time that she was able to find the Bible verse of the day (from her Bible class) and read it for the very first time ALL BY HERSELF.  She didn't need Mama to show her that rather than chapter 14 verse 8 she needed to be in chapter 12 verse 8....or whatever it is that Mama has needed to help her with this year.  She was usually very close to the right place, but just off a few chapters.  Well she asked if she could read her verse to us.  She proudly went and retreived her Bible from her room, and in just a matter of seconds had found the verse again and began to read:

Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."

Well that verse opens up an area for conversation...how did it happen that He removed our transgressions from us?  The death of Jesus on the cross takes away our sins if only we put our trust in Him our sins can be made white as snow!  PRECIOUS SALVATION!  

Though I didn't have much of a moment to dwell on this with her last night because I had a lap full of littles....my Handsome was able to talk in pretty great detail about it...but my heart was swelling with excitement and pride for this 8 year old Princess!  Even more exciting for me was the fact that SHE, too, WAS EXCITED about finding this verse and reading it all by herself!  Now she has been able to read her Bible (mostly) for almost 2 years....but she FOUND THE VERSE!!!

As with all things, immediately the Casting Crowns song came to mind.  And of course, after the kids were all dressed for bed I played it for them:

East to West by Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up
Where You found me
And it echoes in my mindKeeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as
The east is from the west
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned

But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me, You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
The east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

You know just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

Sure gives you something to chew on.  The stanza that reads 'I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin and time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in.  Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way.'  This really hits home for me.  Being an adoptive mother of a mentally disabled son (behavioral disorders) brings a storm each and every day....trying to watch him constantly, not allowing him free moments also means that Handsome and myself do not have free moments.  And this is just one of our 6 kids....plus we both have jobs.  Every day feels like a storm, every day feels like the same mistake, and every day I have to purposefully make the decision to remember God loves me still.  He has taken my transgressions and made them as far as the East is from the West...He doesn't hold them against me...He doesn't bring them up again and again.  He just gives me a fresh start with each new day.  In fact with my own personal devotions this morning the author (Beth Moore) wrote that God never misses a single tear, He sees our suffering and know the depth of our needs.  He waits for us to cry out to Him, and when we do we know the One and Only who redeems us.  Every moment of every day...He waits for us to pour out our tears if heartbreak and pain before His throne.  

Music Speaks

1. Anyone that knows me knows that music speaks to me in ways that many other things simply cannot.  It can make me angry, nostalgic, sad, heartbroken, thankful, happy and so many other things in a matter of measures!  

In my head today I have an old hymn...I believe it is there as a way to remind me of the fact that God is in control, and while I may not like much about what is happening in our life right now God is in control.

"It is well, with my soul"

1. 
   
2. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
3. When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
4. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
5. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
6. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
7. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
8. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

The truth of the matter is that whatever it is that we struggle with, we need to cast it all on Him...our sin is already covered on the Cross.  We need to confess with our mouth and believe in our heart and live our days to bring Honor and Glory to our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Man will fail you every.single.time!  With God things will work according to His will in His time...and it isn't Him failing us if things do not play out according to what we think should be.  

How easy is it to see 'the writing on the wall' in a situation that you already are leaning that way personally, it is definitely God...you say to yourself.  But then given another situation, one that God is pushing you to go against your comfortable way....we fight and wrestle Him....why?  Because we are selfish.  Because we are not completely sold out to Him.  Sure, it is easy to stand and agree with God when His ways are the ways you easily take and believe...but when He requests you to go on the path less traveled, will you?  PRAY PRAY PRAY for a hedge of protection around your decision maker....pray for wisdom and guidance and not to be full of yourself and your own ideas, but rather listen for his still small voice.  It is always there, we just need to decide to listen!

Merry Christmas and a Happy Happy Happy New Year by Cupcake!

So before I tell you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - you need to know I GOT TO SEE CINRELLA!!!!!!

The biggest new this year is we went on this really BIG boat and we packed summer clothes in December and we saw princess', Mickey & Minnie and the gang!  It was totally awesome!

There are some other things I can share too...like my sister (the Princess) thought she would steall my spotlight and the very first day of my very first year of dance class she went and had her tonsils & adenoids out.  

I was so mad all I did was sit in the middle of the classroom floor and NOT dance!!!

And the next week my big sister CAME to my class to be an assistant to my teacher.  I was so mad she was stealing my spotlight all I did was sit in the middle of my classroom floor and NOT dance!  Eventually I got over it and learned to do my froggie dance!

Speaking of sister problems, my little sis was keeping me up at night so right at the beginning of the year Mama and Daddy worked really hard and put me in my own room with a big girl bed and  sparkly walls!  I love it!!!

 So my mom has this cousin, but he isn't really her cousin - anyway they live in our town and he cheers for MY Vikings...one day he and his wife and their son invited us to go bowling with them.  My Mama had us all dressed in Vikings clothes which was really funny because his wife likes the Packers...she was surrounded by Purple & Gold!!!  My brother was teasing her a LOT that night!

We also had to go to this Starpower Dance Competition thing so the Princess could have MORE time in the spotlight.  Don't tell her, but I think she nailed it and did a really awesome job!  Her team won a bunch of awards that they call 'hardware!'

In March I turned 3 and Mama took my paci away.  She also started talking to me about these things called panties - but you all know things are only done in MY time - so that talk didn't go very far!  My Daddy was gone for 75% of this month which was tough on Mama...she was home with 6 kids and her daycare.  He even missed my birthday.  :(   But Mama too Princess, LoveBug and I to the mall to shop, get my ears pierced and get pedis.

It was okay, but we missed Daddy and Ethan was at school.  

One of the reasons Daddy was gone was because he and LoveBug went with the Shriners up to Minneapolis MN to see doctors at a special hospital.  They did all kinds of tests on her and measured her legs to make braces for her to walk better.  This confused me...Princess has braces on her teeth so how would braces help LoveBug walk?  We had a party for them when they returned home...Mama let us help make cupcakes and decorate because we missed them so much!

April was really busy...we went to my Aunt and Uncles by Mankato for Easter.

And then all the was up to Minneapolis for a visit with LoveBug's doctors to get her braces!!!

She really does well with them.

The Princess and I also had our dance recital, she danced really well in her 4 dances...I kind of stood on the stage and looked cute.

April was also the month that Mama and Daddy told us we were going on the big boat with Papa, Gweema, Mickey & Minnie!  All of us kids were REALLY REALLY  exited about that!

For Mother's Day we went to Cheyenne Wyoming to see one of Mama's REAL cousins.  She and her two adorable girls were there because she is really important and serves our country.  Mama and Daddy had to bring special information to be approved to go on base - but we didn't play baseball so I'm confused!!!

We had fun there until the blizzard!  But even in all the snow we went to Perkins for lunch and I noticed that both Mama and her cousin LOVE strawberries.  They said it was a Norgaard thing...whatever that means.  

Just a couple weeks later we were 4-wheelin' at Papa's farm and roasting marchmellows for s'mores.  It was after the weekend at Papa's that I finally decided this potty thing was okay and I pretty much stayed clean and dry from that weekend out.

In June our family grew!

Little Lena came to us so tiny and fun.  Daddy and Sunshine also started running 3-4 miles a day and actually think it is fun!  And the 'Princess' was crowned LIttle Miss Firecracker.

It also rained lots in June...so Mama would let us put our swimsuits on and play in the rain!

July is always my favorite because we go to fireworks, a rodeo, a carnival and a parade (that the Princess was in).  We also went to Hills Alive and listened to some amazing music...Mama was most excited about Steven Curtis Chapman!  

Princess and Sunshine also went to VBS and had tons of fun!

With LoveBug's bouncing birthday party she turned 3 and it was time for my older siblings to start 2nd grade.  

Sunshine likes to ride the bus to school but Princess wears her PJ's and does her school in her room on her computer.  (though Mama doesn't like her to stay in her jammies all day and she gets in trouble.)

On Labor Day we went to the State Fair and ate Alligator!  It was good.  LoveBug started pre-school 2 days a weeks and  Princess turned 8 with a Princess party...that wraps up September.

Fall is always fun because Mama really likes it so we decorate and have lots of pumpkins - we even got to carve one - and by the way, the insides feel disgusting!  I PROMISE!  

October also means dance starts.  Princess has class Sunday through Wedesday and Sunshine & I have class on Tuesdays.  Our family will be a part of 7 total dances in the next recital!  LoveBug decided that she was going to start climbing out of her crib so my Daddy built her an AMAZING  security bed...everyone sleeps better now!

November was pretty boring though I did sweet talk Papa into coming out for Thanksgiving by promising him my Mama would make him pumpkin pie.  We were sad to say good-bye but knew we would see them the next week at an airport!!!

The airplane took us to Florida where we got on the Disney Fantasy Cruise Ship for 7 days!!!  

Princess liked seeing Princess Tiana, Sunshine like the food, LoveBug liked Goofy and playing on the beach and in the ocean at Castaway Cay, Daddy liked his Segway tour of San Juan and the broadway style shows and Mama says her favorite was watching us kids take it all in.  None of us wanted to leave but we all missed Bo & Ry (our foster babes who have been with us since November 2013.)  Daddys says we will go on another big boat someday because it almost seemed like time stood still for a bit on the big boat - and that was really nice!

We came back to the busy Christmas time.  Christmas programs at school for LoveBug and Ethan, Christmas parties, gifts, baking, shopping and looking at lights.  We have to spend Christmas at home this year because Daddy has to work, but I know when he gets home he will tell us about how baby Jesus was born to die on the cross for our sins.  That is what is important about Christmas.  Then just after Christmas but before the New Year my Sunshine will turn 8!  He is really excited about his special day!

I hope you all had an amazing and happy 2014.  God has been good to us and for that we are thankful!!!  Merry Christmas and Happy 2015!

Love, Cupcake 

(for Daddy, Mama, Princess, Sunshine & LoveBug)

By the way, Princess and I were able to go to JodiBPhotography and take pictures in Mamas wedding dress this Spring too!!!  ;)

Season of Trials

We seem to go through seasons, and our current season is one of trial.  The enemy is very real and he is trying to get us to step away from God and lean on ourselves...that doesn't work so well.  When it gets to that point, the point where we buy satan's story, that is when things crumble around us.  It is no secret that Handsome and I pretty much do things alone.  There are not many people that have decided to stick by us...which is fine, but that also means that Handsome and I are everything to each other.  Sure, I am blessed to have my mom and dad that support....but they are not here.  I chat with mom when I can, but I also don't want to dump everything in her lap every time we talk!  So Jason and I tend to hold our 'stuff' in until no more can fit and then we 'dump' it on the other and then the other feels like we are not good enough...right now we are battling the school (again) on behalf of what is best for Sunshine.  Along with the fact that our 7 year old is back in diapers full time, has a compulsion to eat anything he THINKS is consumable...and doctors just don't have much advise on how to handle his case other than "you are doing exactly what he needs, good job mom and dad" (which by the way, isn't much comfort).  There is no book on "how to handle your drug baby with ODD, bi-polar, encephalopathy, ect..ect..ect.." So we wing it.  But God doesn't promise life to be easy.  Then you look at Princess, she is about to turn 8, and she is becoming such a beautiful soul.  When she is thinking about her actions she thinks of others...she cares for babies...she offers to get drinks and food for Mama and Daddy...she LOVES her brothers and sisters and does a fantastic job of being their big sister.  But the effects of the stress in caring for special needs children gets to her, she gets sad...she cries...she feels like she is second best because the others require so much attention and because she doesn't she doesn't always get as much as she should.  She is definitely my right hand around here, and I try very hard to not take her for granted.  She is AMAZING!  Next we look at Cupcake, and well much like her older sister she doesn't have any major needs....but she does like her snuggles, and she needs physical touch more than any kid I have ever known...and some days Mama just cannot sit and snuggle.  Some days Mama just doesn't have that spare moment because of the needs around the daycare/house/other kids....and then we act up.  But there are nights like last night, this precious Cupcake, this girl who grew inside of me...she needed those snuggles so bad she stayed up until the late night hours waiting to snuggle in my bed, she looked for ways to help so we could get there more quickly, she put out a new potty pad for the dogs, she cleared the dishes from the table, she brought me my water when I didn't have it....until she passed out in her daddy's arms because she just couldn't wait any longer.  HEARTBREAKING!   But there are medical bills that require paperwork, and paperwork for the school (that we already filled out but here are some of the issues preciously mentioned), seriously...I am only one person.  We also have our LoveBug...who is having MANY struggles right now.  She started pre-school this fall, just a couple weeks after turning three.  She goes two mornings a week to receive her therapy's...but she doesn't like it, and it is turning her into a monster.  She comes home exhausted from the events of the morning (and tear stained cheeks and dried crying boogers under her nose) all she has left in her is too eat and sleep pretty much the rest of the day.  But she isn't the happy little girl she once was, she is cranky, crabby, and mean.  She also has decided that she doesn't like to wear diapers any more (though she is no where close to potty training) and she takes them off and leaves messes for Mama and Daddy to clean up...the liquid ones aren't too terrible, but when she decides we need drawings on her crib and walls and the only color option she has is BROWN the smell alone overwhelms me...let alone the clean up.

On top of our 4 kiddos we have two foster littles that have been with us since November that are at the point in the case that something needs to happen for them.  They need permanency...they need to start working on their future rather than being kept in limbo.  The two year old Teddy Bear is confused and acting out..often, but she can also charm the pants off of you, she is just confused.  Her 1 year old brother follows her lead...and we have many melt downs.  But they continue to have visits with bio mom every Friday where they also see their 4 older siblings.  They do not understand....but they want to know what their future holds! I am trying to brace myself for when they leave...I love them like my own, as I do with all foster kids in my home.  I invest in them like my own...and I would love for them to become my own...but we are still trying for reunification.  Which breaks my heart!  The odds of that happening are slim, but in the event that doesn't happen the state will rip them away from the place they feel safe, the place they learned what love and stability was all about, the place where they got to be kids rather than having to learn life skills over survival...and they will be moved out of state to be with some distant (older) relatives that they have never met.  How long will it take the kids to recover and trust/love again?  Will that be able to?  I don't know...but I am trying to prepare myself for their departure.  Prepare myself for the ache my children will have when these two kiddos leave our home.  It will be like loosing some of our family.

Please know this is not a complaint about my life...we are living the life that God intends us to live...He just doesn't promise it is going to be easy.

But back to doing it alone, in this world there are very few people that understand why Handsome and I have chosen a life that clearly requires much work, little rest, and a LOT of hurt.  Do you know that I work because I am trying to pay for our adoptions?  One of our three adoptions were supposed to have been paid for, but when we made a decision to follow God in a direction He was leading us the family that had raised all of the money for that adoption decided we didn't deserve it.  Okay God, we will trust you!  Did you know that for LoveBug's adoption there was a surprise $11,000 to get her out of the hospital?  Okay God, we will trust You!  Did you know that if we wouldn't have adopted our children I could be that stay at home Mom? that I dream of being?  Except then what would be the purpose of being a stay at home mom???  We have lost many things by choosing to follow the path that God has paved for us, we have lost Handsome's family, we have lost adoption funding, we have lost most of our friends, we have lost churches (seriously!?!?), we have lost sleep, we have lost babysitters, we have lost date nights, we have lost much....God never promised it would be easy....

But here is what we have gained: a relationship between Handsome and myself that is truly rock solid-it may not always be pretty, and it may not always be lovey dovey-but rock solid there until death do us part!  We have gained a child like faith in God, because honestly, there are days that I just don't know how it is going to work out....but God does!  We have gained 3 beautiful adopted children and one amazing biological child, all of whom are exactly the children that are supposed to be in our family, in our home, and in our hearts!  We have gained so much in choosing to follow God no matter what the cost...

So I am not complaining, I am not asking for pitty...or money...or anything else.  We go through seasons, and ours is a season of trials right now.  From our experience trials are usually testing, and if we don't pay attention to the test at hand and learn the lesson that God is trying to teach He will surely present it to us again and again until we get it.  We are trying to get used to handling this craziness by ourselves...with Him.

3 years...

About this time 3 years ago we got a fun phone call from Family to Family Adoptions Inc in Texas.....they had news for us...a baby girl due September 6....We already had Princess (4), Sunshine (4) and Cupcake (4.5 months) and we were going to be a growing family!!!

 I don't remember the exact date they called...but the call itself...I will never forget!

My mind instantly went to this....having my arms full and my heart overflowing!

 She was tiny and beautiful...

And she was ours...well not until the end of August was she born...and then in March we finalized her adoption....but how she has changed this family for good!  We laugh more because of her...we smile more because of her....we fight more (as in fight for each other and the needs of our kids/family)...we are stronger because of her...we face the day differently because of her....she is our LoveBug...and this is the song I have chosen for her:

So Far To Find You

by Casting Crowns

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone

We were waiting and praying 

And longing to bring you home

And then we saw your face

In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts

We took a step of faith

And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed

Just to hold your hand

You will never be alone again

I've come so far to find you

So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful

You were hiding your heart away

But I was trying so hard to show you

'Cause there were no words that I could say

If you could see my heart

You would know that all I want to do

Is care for you

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Here in your eyes I see

Reflections of myself

How I"m the child that's really running

But I can hear a voice that's whispering my name

Saying come to me, don't run from me

I'm all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

(I have come so far)

Will you take my love and give up the fight

(I have come so far)

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

From Heaven's throne

Down to a rugged cross I came

It was My love for you that brought Me all the way

So far to find you

So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone

~~~~

It is an amazing song...Our LoveBug was 6 lbs 1 oz when she was born addicted to crack cocaine.  She was tiny and frail, she needed someone who could fight for her.  It was a difficult road.  She was so stiff should wouldn't latch on to nurse (I was already nursing my 5 month old) she cried for hours on end.  While I was pumping/attending to Cupcake my Handsome would hold this little tiny baby in the wee hours of the night/morning and sing to her, quote scripture to her and hold her tight/close skin to skin.  There were 5 months of withdrawals.  She stayed in preemie diapers until she was 3 months and only because of quantity of fluids we then put her into Newborn diapers which leaked almost as bad because her tiny little legs were too small for the diaper to fit tightly around.  She was in Newborn diapers until she was 8 months old.  She couldn't grow...she cried...we cried...she doctored.  But there was a miracle in this child....she had a desire to live....a will to fight...far greater than anyone could ever imagine.  She also had an amazing smile and an awesome giggle! This girl came to us broken...I mean her body was in tact and every finger and toe was in place...but inside she was struggling with an addiction she didn't choose.  We thought we were there for her, but let me tell you something...she is here for us!  This girl is still so cute, funny, smilie, full of laughter and just adorable!

To say that this girl has my heart...an understatement.  She was meant to be in this family...she was meant to be my daughter...I was meant to be her Mama!