Remembering...

Today we remember our 4th...it is a day that will always be remembered in my mind, along with Dec 14th 03, Aug 20th 04, & Jan 20th 05. Four years ago today I experienced the worst of our 4 miscarriages oh how painful it was. Physically and mentally. I was the only one that could be at the store that day, so I got up to get dressed even though there were sharp pains in my stomach. J drove the 80 miles to work that morning, and I didn't share my thoughts or pain with him...he didn't need to worry, I would just tell him after it was over. We needed the money, and really what could he do to help? So off to work I go, and after only being there for an hour and a half I had to close the store with a note on the door. I went home and crawled into bed with tears rolling down my face...how could his be happening again? Lord, why is it that you are taking our fourth child away from us? Will we ever be parents? Will we ever get the big family we both dream and pray for? I probably even wrongly accused God of being selfish and wanting all of my children...have asked his forgiveness for the things I said while going through my miscarriages as it wasn't always very faithful!I called my husband to let him know that I was home and asked if he could come and be home with me. He drove the 80 miles back and walked through the doors, but I guess it was a little too much for him because he went to the backyard (I could see from our bedroom window) and worked on fixing our fence. We made it through with the help of family and friends and GOD. Js sister sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and some of the church people arranged for meals for a few days. I am thankful. The first few years brought only sadness when any of these dates came around, sadness to the point I could hardly function or do anything but cry. BUT, after praying and asking the Lord to help me through this...it has gotten better. Now don't be fooled, if you know me that I cry over everything, so each birth date (today included) I do still shed tears for my little ones...but I also have enough faith to know that God did that because He knew that little AG and EE would need us as parents and most likely our human selves would not have walked the adoption & foster path if even one of our precious four were born. AND I know that one day when God calls me home I will that day be able to meet my babies face to face.So today being a Sunday is perfect. We can get together with our brothers and sisters in Christ and as a family worship our precious Lord...the same Lord I so wrongfully called selfish 4 years ago today. It wasn't HIM who was being selfish, now was it? He had big plans for us, and wrapped them up in a tiny little package in Texas on September 27th 06 and then again only 3 months later on December 27th 06!God is so good to us, and while we pray we are to pray believing...AND we should always remember that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we would like....but He usually answers them better!